Divorce - the distance from a dream to agony

September 28th, 2008 | by Vijayaraghav |

Divorce - the distance from a dream to agony

 

 

 

 

This is not a story. This is a reality.

 

 

This is about Radha, a girl who has stepped into the paradox of family life only to slip into the spillway of divorce.

 

 

I met Radha during my vacation recently and got bruised with the flames, which was generated by her agony.

 

 

I knew her since childhood. That point of time we used to travel together in the mornings. I go to office and she to school. While on the way she used to ask so many questions and put me in an awkward situation She was beginning to learn things herself.

 

 

Our association continued for another one year and after that I went to Mumbai.

 

 

When I met her over the years, during my vacations, I could gather a clear mindset and her dreams about life.

 

 

The time arrived and she submerged into wedlock with the blessings of her loved ones. Her eyes have bloomed with full of dreams about life.

 

 

Two years rushed like a supersonic jet. When I went to her house with an apologetic mind, she told “It’s not your fault so an apology is not required! He shunted me home and the formalities for a divorce is on” I got a shock. I looked at her eyes and saw the dark circles, which talked to me about her agony.

 

 

It started with a simple misunderstanding, which has grown over time to snatch the happiness from her.

 

 

When I met her during my vacation recently, I couldn’t recognize her. She pulled down drastically and her wide blue eyes plunged into the dark circles, which she gained through sleeplessness. I couldn’t stand her so I took her son to a nearby place for sometime and returned back with a pale smile.

 

 

Though the reason for her separation is mysterious, a chance to patch up the things was not at all on sight. The memories of her still haunt me like mad.

 

 

Radha’s case is not a strange one. The percentages of divorced and separated people in our country are on a steep rise, which is really shocking. I don’t want to compile some sort of statistics to prove my claim. When you browse through any relationship sight, just check the status. You can see so many separated/divorced women seeking soul mates.

 

 

Why has such a situation prevailing in our country?

 

 

Is the agony, emotional torment of a custody battle of children, the financial equation of dividing Bank accounts, investments and pensions, child support and alimony all these are not that disturbing?

 

In most of the cases by the time the court has heard their case, major portion of the precious money have found their way to the lawyers.

 

When men and women take personality tests, some of the old Mars-Venus stereotypes keep reappearing. On an average, women are more cooperative, nurturing, cautious and emotionally responsive. Men tend to be more competitive, assertive, reckless and emotionally flat most of the times. Psychologists asserts that both  personalities have been shaped by traditional social roles, and that personality differences will shrink as women spend less time nurturing children and more time in jobs outside the home. Whatever may be the psychological aspects as laid down above; there should be a clear understanding about the realities of life rather than mulling over one’s comfort.

 

 

Once a case is finally heard, neither parent can be certain of legal precedent that might steer the proceedings towards a mutually agreeable outcome. A custody evaluator or a judge can never understand a family’s situation or individual children as well as the parents do.

 

 

If two people can contemplate for the possibility of an agreement in advance as to how they would divide assets, and the time, which they are supposed to divide for their children, it can ease the pressure and agony. Even children could have a single structure for their new lives from the moment their parents separate if a custody schedule is outlined before marriage. But to what extent it is possible in India is a big question mark.

 

 

Radha’s fate has put a scar on my heart which is not going to be healed for a long time.

Report AbuseRate this post:

  1. 30 Responses to “
    Divorce - the distance from a dream to agony”

  2. By evocat on Sep 28, 2008 | Reply

    sad. good post. Raj

  3. By writer on Sep 28, 2008 | Reply

    Why this grim post?

  4. By Vijayaraghav on Sep 28, 2008 | Reply

    Radha’s fate still haunts me. I thought to offload my sadness through this post, but it still remain in my heart.

  5. By Iyer56 on Sep 28, 2008 | Reply

    That it was all ready to happen,only we simply ignored the signals.Its us,even after all thats happening around us we remain mute spectators,this is the result.Its time people understood their role much more clearly in todays complicated context.
    Not alone you,Mr.Vijay it will haunt on all those who read your blogs.Its because of its simplicity.The way you narrated it.that makes it pretty simple.One more mile stone along the road one is forced to travrse,along the high way called road.Life is always full of surprises.The morning could possibly bring the better tidings,and better futures to the radhas of the world.Nice post

  6. By Priya on Sep 28, 2008 | Reply

    Divorce is the legal breakup of a marriage. divorce is stressful. It affects everything !!!!!!!! but children sufer lot ..nice post..

  7. By Nishu's on Sep 29, 2008 | Reply

    I will never go in for Divorce…..it hurts…and its too bads for kids….it was nice meeting u….and i hope u reached safely….how is ur daughter……..by the way………

  8. By sonia on Sep 29, 2008 | Reply

    I hope Radha’s scars heal quickly and she is able to move on. Her family and friends need to be most supportive and understand her mental state, the same would be fragile and disturbed.

    Divorce rates are on the increase. The reasons.\, apart from the ones stated by u, could be less tolerance, unwillingness to make compromises for they want a “perfect’ match, social acceptance ..ie…really not considered a blasphemy if a person,esp a lady is divorced (urban areas mostly), financial independence etc.

    are u referring to a marriage contract in the last para? dont find anything wrong with it, it shd become a norm soon, as shd bloodtests to rule out certain factors.

    grt read, vijay.

    cheer up.tc.smile

  9. By Shivaraman on Sep 29, 2008 | Reply

    I feel for Radha. No. For Radhas. There are so many now.Divorce was not heard of during my younger days.Why now?How people managed during those days?Did my grandpa wanted to divorce my grandma?Was my mom happy with my Dad?If not, how come they stayed together till the end?One side, they say tolerance,which kept our family together.Other side, they shout about equality and equal rights,which separates.If money pays a roll in between, that is a different subject. If mind is the cause,then I should say we are changing culturally, which is bad.

  10. By Santosh n on Sep 29, 2008 | Reply

    The social stigma attached to divorce no longer exists in the current social set up. The sanctity associated with the act of getting married is sadly eroding. When individuals become more self-centered they renege on their wider commitments towards society and God…. viz to propagate and create a conducive environment for the offsprings to grow and thrive. You do not always live for yourself, a great part of your life is spent for others, only then there will be someone to spend a part of his/her life for you. Nature always maintains the balance. Regds, pls be at my post too!! and regret not having come to the meet

  11. By Niraimathi on Sep 29, 2008 | Reply

    I got a beautiful cousin, used to look like an angel without wings with very dark big eyes. She also walked into hellhole of a family which had 2 engineers and two doctors, 3 ladies and a boy. She was married to that doctor boy. All the four demons made her life a hell. After giving birth to a beautiful boy on her first marriage anniversary she was forced out of her matrimonial home by those outlaws called in-laws.Dreams shattered she returned home. The husband has gone to court seeking a divorce. This lady is fighting the case for the last 7 years. she knows that she cannot live with that man any more. But she is fighting the case because if she agrees for divorce that wretch would marry another lady and make her life hell and she is not interested in another experiment. when I read your post I once again symapathised with my cousin.

  12. By denny on Sep 30, 2008 | Reply

    yes, divorce/separation rates are soring higher than ever b4, but we as individuals & society have to accept it & move on. life does not stop & has to go on, for the father, mother & child. as a social security the couple, as u said should plan it b4 the marriage. it does sound akward talking about what happens in a divorce even when ur just about to tie the knot, but it makes the most sensible thought when it happens! we all have to change & accept change, only then would console a radha, of course not completly, but even a bit would count.i really wish some 1 cud give her strength to face life rather than sympathy. sir, possibly u can do it, or at least try.am sure u will & wish u sucess.

  13. By Madhu Vamsi on Sep 30, 2008 | Reply

    Vijayaraghav ji, It is sad case of Radha, I feel the main reason is the misunderstanding between the couples. Most of the couples take advice or listen to third person like father, mother, brother,friends,neig hbors gossips about the wife or husband. Soon cold wars start later it turns into I am right you are wrong. I found most of the couples fight for their parents. Wife says my parents are better than yours and husbands looks for wives parents mistake and starts harassing. Why I am the best concept comes, I never understood and it is strange that they are fighting for someone who will not be with them.. Like these many cases are there..

    I hope you learn the reason why Radha wants to separate from the husband then only you might feel better.

    I will be Happy if a Indian Premier League (IPL) for Women’s Cricket also happen. I like to see ladies in action on the cricket field…

  14. By Swapna S on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply

    It is really a sad situation. But we cannot run away from the fact that it is the reality. Today broken marriages are on a rise in India. During our grand ma’s days to divorce one’s partner was unthinkable.But today economic stability one have and the very thought that one will be able to survive without one’s spouse has led to increase in breaking relationships. But among this the real sufferers are their children.

  15. By lalli on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply

    Oops vijay..i came hr yesday itself..but cudnt pen down my thoughts jus bcoz i want to share wid u more.!!Well i too hv a cousin who is a software engineer holding very good position and settled in US now…but the gal he married has given him a helluva exp wid his life!!! My cousin whoz very soft spoken has been taken granted by this gal(who hails from a orthodox good fmly)tortured him like anything..! Cant stand his parents..always he has to dote her like anything..if he is delayed at his work(u know hw this software guys work!)too many q’s ..she’ll throw tantrums like anything!!Oops he suffered a lot..has becum mad vijay!!! That gal sitting at her parents home refused to join him..what do u say for this?? Its not that thr r so many Radhas hr vijay..thr r lot sreedhar’s too..:( the kids r affected like anything..!!She doesnt even allow him to see his only son..psst my uncle n aunt who holds very respectable status in society..are putting down their heads jus bcoz of this lady..! Jus dont know what does she wants in life..but shez killing others wid her behaviour!!!Infact her parents too are really very good n very soft nature..psst life jus goes like this for some..lucky we na vijay..??

  16. By Silent on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply

    aaah man it is really touching to see u concern for her , may God give her power to fight back to reality and soon some angel might walk into her life.By the time u can always be her friend to let her realize she has wel wishers who care for her, that will make her feel secure and todays world ladies r getting strong.They have realized the importance of balance between fantasy and real shocking real world.She will definitely get stronger from here on.As regarding ur suggestion regarding separation before hand , It will take time for this to get mechanical , as emotions and love is what separates us from pre-programmed computer or robot.We r born to suffer , just it is the attitude is which matters how we take it along our way to grave.keep writing .It is always a delight to comment at ur blogs here

  17. By savita on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply

    Incompatibility is the biggest reason for these types of Breakups. Parents just to get rid of their daughters marry them on the first oppurtunity they get. They feel releived after marrying them. But the consequences are to beared by the poor girl or sometimes boys also. Now a days patience and respect for each other is diminishing amongthe realtion ships and quest to get better makes them often unfaithful which lead to such bitter steps of Divorce.Very sensitive writeup but this is the time Radha does not require sympathy but strength to gather herself again and look beyond current crisis and plan for a brighter future.

  18. By Rashmi on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply

    It is really very sad…instances of broken marraiges and divorces are rising…at least if the couple is mature enough and parts ways with mutual agreement, the kids will suffer less and they will be able to save a lot of headache and money.

  19. By sonia on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply

    Thanx for your wonderful words. Hope you are feeing better now. Such incidents are sad realities.This lady needs all the support to help her put the past behind and move forward.

    Tc.

  20. By Gopa on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply

    Hi, Thought provoking post.

  21. By shiwani on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply

    “Divorce is the hardest part to deal with… in life”…. i too know a close associate who’d gone through it… its very traumatising…. our society’s attitude towards a divorced woman makes it all the more terrible… but life moves on…. ur post is very touching.

  22. By jyoti on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply

    divorce is the dead end of the married life and if they are parents its really pathetic for their kids as they are divided between the two and do not get the proper love and care through out their life and leaves them in distress..and its like a curse for women

  23. By ansyton on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply

    Hi Vijayaraghave,Sorry for the belated visit… You have raised certain important queries towards the entire society. It is really an agonizing situation we are witnessing. It is not as you say “the distance from a dream to agony” but it is the distance from intolerance and nonforgiveness to overconfidence and modernism. Both men and women are competing not to forgive and tolerate each other. No healthy relationship is possible without tolerance and forgiveness whether it is between husband and wife, between parents and children or between children. Now a days there is a trend for women to compete inch to inch with men for the sake women freedom and self reliance .We are always wishing the new couples for a happy long married life .It is not attainable only with our pray and wishes. But they both should have a mind set to dedicate each other particularly when they find any misunderstanding over something. All are thinking about how they can use the right not to forgive with life partners .If this trend continue the issue will become more worsen in future .Another adverse changes seen in the attitude of men which lead to divorce are their selfishness irresponsibility. Women are to be loved and protected by men and this should not be lightening at any reason. It is serious subject which require broad study and analyzing on the angle of divinity and humanity rather than on freedom and modernism.Charecter Radha is one of the simple for the disaster..

  24. By Vidya,Mother on Oct 2, 2008 | Reply

    Sorry Vijayraghav!
    I could not make it to the meet.However, we can meet sometime again.
    You post conveys the way things are going on today. Not that seperations weren’t existing before..but, today intolerance and selfishness are the main reasons of divorces. “AHAM”-This is also a reason for relationships breaking up.Each partner wants to assert his oipnion on the other.When one is adamant, atleast the other should be quiet..not that I say that you should give in to your partner, but at that moment an adamant person will not be in a position to give in ..so wait for another peaceful moment and convince. Over-Interferance by some parents creates problems..my daughter has got married recently..she has come and stayed nearby..but I do not visit her and disturb her way of living..Yes, we are there for them all the time..but let them live their way.
    Anyway, it is easy to comment, as there are numerous reasons for divorces.Very sad ……………………….

    VIDYA,the MOTHER from MUMBAI

  25. By Vijayaraghav on Oct 2, 2008 | Reply

    Dear Vidya,

    I am aware of the current scenario but Radha’s case is totally different. Thanks for your meaningful comments. Let’s explore the possibility of having a meet soon, see you there.

    Regards,

  26. By Vijayaraghav on Oct 2, 2008 | Reply

    Dear Ansyton,

    The concept of marriage is undergoing a seachange. In India live in relationships have started coming into existence nowadays. Who knows what will happen after some years. Radha’s case is totally different. As I know the realities, i couldn’t resist writing about her. Thanks for your indepth analysis and all the best.

  27. By Rajib Gurung on Oct 2, 2008 | Reply

    The socio economic and socio cultural things are not less responsible for the fate of Radha’s like. The bottom line of the whole agony is the economic insecurity in the rural and semi urban and the sense of independent entity of the women folks in the urban areas is the main thing of all this undesired happenings.

    thanks for sharing.

  28. By Idle Mind on Oct 2, 2008 | Reply

    Divorces do not have a reason … they are usually devoid of a reason to live together. However, all said and done, the faster life of today may be responsible … there are less compromises as earlier and more reactions. There could be other reasons too … but the fact remains. Courts can try, and like Calcutta HC, the couple is sent to Puri to stay for a few days and report back to HC. In case they patch up, the couple is united with legal protection. But who judges on emotional distance?

  29. By Chandra on Oct 3, 2008 | Reply

    They say marriages are made in heaven but I have yet to hear about where divorces are made. Pun aside, I feel they are made in the minds! The roots of successful mariages can be found in the concept of joint families I guess.

    Couples who stayed in a joint family may or may not be happy being with each other but either the fear of bringing a bad name to the family or the fact that such a decision will bring more uncertainties, may have prevented them from taking a stand.

    We see many couples staying away from their own families now a days, which results in more freedom to them. So the communication with elders seizes to take place. I am sure if couples take advice from elders in the family, things can be sorted out for the better.

  30. By aleen dyan on Oct 3, 2008 | Reply

    You need two hands to clap…..is it not? Who would undergo the silent suffering ….it is the woman no doubt …what could resolve this problem? And children in most cases are left with mother …….but the society round the women is the worst …..it hounds and destroys the beautiful relationship between the mother and the kids…..when two people are not in love it is always better to break rather than…..reveal it before the kids….

  31. By SB C on Dec 20, 2008 | Reply

    Dear Mr Vijayaraghav,

    I find your posts on social issues,poems very interesting and well thought out. I invite your comments to my post on 20.12.08. It is not an article but a real life situation and involves social implications. I would also request you to let your good friends know about it and put their views.

    http://blogs.ibibo.com/infidelity/lovers

Post a Comment