Baapu Ne Bola Hai……. “Agar koi tumhari salary na increase kare , tumhe promotion na de, tum kam karte raho…. sirf kam hi nehi z y ada kam karo…… promotion ki ummed na karo……. Dekhna, Uski aatma ek din jaroor jaagegi. Aur vo tumhe salary hike aur promotion zaroor dega” Aur agar fir bhi koi salary hike aur promotion nahi mile , to uske paas jana, use ek Guldasta dena…. aur kehna……. i am resigning, others will also do the same if u dont ,,,,, GET WELL SOON MAMU
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$65,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
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Rs.12.50 Rs.22.50 Rs.5.00 Rs.60.00 Rs.12.50 Rs.15.00 Rs.80.00 Rs.5.00 Rs.30.00 Rs.10.00 Rs.30.00 Rs.30.00 Rs.15.00 Rs.20.00 Rs.30.00 Rs.40.00 Rs.80.00 Rs.15.00 Rs.15.00 Rs.25.00 Rs.25.00 Rs.25.00 Rs.45.00 Rs.25.00 Rs.25.00 Rs.25.00 Rs.25.00 Rs.25.00 Rs.140.00 Rs.30.00 Rs.20.00 Rs.80.00 Rs.95.00 Rs.80.00 Rs.40.00 Rs.40.00 Rs.20.00 Rs.40.00 Rs.100.00 Rs.30.00 Rs.50.00 Rs.20.00 Rs.70.00 Rs.40.00 Rs.180.00 Rs.20.00 Rs.45.00 RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled ‘All Men Are Idiots’ Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, ‘I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.’ This is known as the ‘I Hate You I Love You’ drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn’t be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola’s head. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction…he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six ‘D’ batteries to operate. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn’t really matter. JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone. TIME: When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. FRIENDS: Women on a girl’s night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy’s night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are ‘Pass the Doritos’ or Got anymore beer?’ RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’ God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, “Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?” Adam raises his hand and yells “Me, Me, pick me!!” So God obliged. God looks at Eve and says - “Well, sorry Eve…but it looks like you’re stuck with the multiple orgasms.” I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind! I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you! THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car’s hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.” male: what you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min. Personal Injury Lawyer in a brain store A Personal Injury Lawyer went to a store that sells brains. “How much does a doctor’s brain cost?” He asks the butcher. “Five dollars the kilo.” “How about a waitress’s brain?” “Three bucks the kilo.” “And for a personal Injury lawyer’s brain?” “$1,000 dollars the kilo.” “Why so much?” Asks the confused lawyer. “Well, you have no idea how many personal injuries we’ve had to kill to put together one kilo.” Satan visited a lawyer. Satan visited a lawyer. He was interested in making him a special lawyers’ offer. “If you’re willing to give me one major thing, I can arrange a very special deal for you. I can multiply your income by five or even six. This way, everybody will adore you, look up to you, respect you. You’ll be able to take as much vacation as you wish. Nobody will ever call you a lying, cheating lawyer ever again.” “And what do you need in return?” Asked the eager lawyer. “In return I need your wife’s soul, as well as your children’s and their children’s. Their souls must prevail in hell for ever and ever.” After pausing a moment, the lawyer asked, confused, “What’s the catch?” What is a Criminal Attorney?Redundancy. Tax Attorneys in Accidents Did you hear about the Tax Attorney who was involved in a terrible accident? Personal injury attorneys to change a light bulb How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?Three–one to turn the bulb, one to shake the ladder and make sure the first one falls, and the third to sue the light bulb company. The first personal injury attorney will then make sure to sue the ladder company, as well. Divorce Law Joke Did you hear they are now selling a new children’s doll called “Divorced Barbie”?Yeah, it comes with a Divorce Lawyer and two thirds of Ken’s property and alimony. A defense attorney was driving his amazing new Volvo A Defense Attorney was driving his amazing, shining new Volvo. He was singing “I adore my Volvo, I adore my Volvo, I adore my Volvo.” Not looking at the street, he ran into a tree. Surprisingly, the Defense Attorney survived, but his Volvo was a wreck. He cried, “My Volvo, My Volvo!!” A man who was just walking by hurried to help him out. He said, “Sir, let me help you, you’re bleeding. Oh, your right arm is gone!” The Defense attorney, hysterical, yelled, “My Golden Rolex, My Golden Rolex!! A Criminal Lawyer in a Cocktail Party A Criminal Lawyer met his Surgery Doctor friend in a cocktail party. A man approached the doctor and consulted him regarding a surgery that didn’t go very well the year before. The impatient doctor answered him quickly. He then asked his criminal lawyer friend, “How do you usually react when people ask you for a consultation during a social event?” “Well, that’s simple,” said the criminal lawyer, “I send them the bill in the morning.” On the next day, the Surgery Doctor hurried to his office to prepare the $50 bill for the man who had approached him at the party. On his desk lay a $100 bill from the criminal lawyer. Immigration Lawyers’ Club A group of crooks decided to break in to a lawyers’ club. The old Immigration Lawyers fought for their life and their money. The crooks were happy to leave the place intact and escape the fight. “We’re not that bad off,” one of the thieves commented. “We have $35 between the lot of us.” The eldest thief screamed in desperation, “We had $1,000 when we went in the club!” A Beginning Defense Attorney A Beginning defense attorney took over his father’s practice. One night, he came home happy as ever with some good news for his father. A Defense Lawyer’s Choice On his death bed, a rich old man decided he wanted to take his money with him. He called the three people he had trusted most during his lifetime: his priest, his doctor and his defense lawyer. Here’s $3 million. I want each of you to hold on to $1 million and put it in my coffin when I go. I want to take all my money with me.” After the funeral ceremony, each one of the three men put a package in the coffin next to the dead man. As they were saying good bye to each other, the priest, unable to hold the shame and guilt any longer, said, “I must confess, “I put only $800,000 in the coffin. I need to renew the loft in the church” “I, too, must confess, priest,” said the doctor, “I left the man $500,000, since I really need to redecorate my office and get some new equipment.” The defense lawyer was surprised at the two, and said, “The two of you disappoint me.” I put the whole $1 million in the coffin, but made myself a personal check for the service for a full $1 million!” Personal Injury Lawyers are guilty for all of America’s problems In a cocktail party, a group of people were discussing the problems of America and blaming Personal Injury Lawyers for them. One man said, “I don’t think they are so bad. I got $2,500 from my Personal Injury Lawyer,” he claimed. “Impossible!” said the crowd. “Well, that is exactly what happened,” said the man. “I suffered a personal injury case. My bill amounted to $120,000 with the lawyer’s fee, the witnesses, testimonials and all. When the judge declared that I deserved $122,500, my Personal Injury Lawyer simply game me the difference.”
men are never satisfied (joke)
May 25th, 2007
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Women And Men
May 23rd, 2007
God Talking to Adam and Eve
May 23rd, 2007
I´m Glad I’m a Woman
May 23rd, 2007
Male/Female Definitions
May 23rd, 2007
Personal Injury Lawyer Lawyer Jokes
May 23rd, 2007
He wanted to check a personal hypothesis. After reading a sign in the store regarding the quality of brains offered, he decides to inquire the prices of the different brains available.
How Immigration Lawyers Do it…
Immigration Lawyers do it with taste.Immigration Lawyers do it with high self-esteem.Immigration Lawyers do it to get to the trial.Immigration Lawyers do it for justice’s sake.Immigration Lawyers do it for however long there is money behind the deal.Immigration Lawyers do it for as long as it’s legal.
Criminal Attorney Question
An ambulance stopped suddenly.
A Criminal Lawyer in a Cocktail Party
“Dad, you’ll never guess!,” he said, “I’ve settled for once and for all that old Stanley case.”“Settled it!” cried his desperate defense attorney dad. “Why, that was a case I left you as an annuity for life.”
